Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Justice Restored to Middle Earth

In response to the aggression of Rohan, re-arming and building up along the Fords of Isen, the Dark Lord Sauron has reluctantly taken the situation in hand. "It was with heavy heart that I ordered the Nazgul to begin slaying elvish children in Lothlorien, but the duplicious perfidity of the Western Alliance needed to be put down." In revenge for this just move Tree-Men plundered the home of the gentle mage Saruman, elves of the Grey Havens greedily annexed the Shire as the "19th province of Elfdom", and treacherous Gondorians blocked a peaceful parade and demonstration at Minas Tirith by elite siege troops of Near Harad and Minas Morgul. Aragorn the Usurper executed the wise king Denethor, and then along with Gandalf the so-called White staged an invasion of the holy land of Mordor, nearly injuring several gentle hill trolls. In the capping indignity, scruffy hobbits, having stolen the Ring of Power which even the treasonous "Lords" of the West admit is the property of Sauron the Just, attempted to destroy the ring in the Cracks of Efficiency. Fortunately, as one would expect of their kind, they began quarreling among themselves, and were easily apprehended by loyal members of the Gestapo. So all citizens can take heart, the traitors have met their just fate, and the economy will soon be going great guns, and the trains will run on time.


Locnar said...

Alas, history is indeed written by the victors. Lessons abound.

Delphino said...

As opposed to my last game against Tim which would have read:

"Two local hobbits today returned from a light expedition to the East with a long lost relative of the Shire, Smegol.
The local boys, Samwise Gangees and Frodo Baggins, had a prepared statement.
"It is with heavy heart that we report of the death of Gandalf the Grey to his most loved adopted homeland. Gandalf had a serious mental condition, which when deprived of his medication for a long time, drove him into a lava field, pursued by members of the local security forces.
But out of such sad tiddings, we can report that Meridoc and Pippin are both fine, having relocated to the land of Men to the North and East.
Also, we bring back this long lost relative to many of you here. He once was of the Riverfolk, and has only recently decided that he can live again amongst his own kind.
We have no further statement at this time."

The pair had no comment to any questions about their duplicity in letting Loth Loren fall, or the sacking of Rohan/Helm's Deep during their trip. Upon departing, Samwise mentioned "We were not even in that area of the world, we can't be held responsible for what humans do to each other."

Mr. Gamgees has taken up residence again with his father, Gaffer, where as Frodo has become a protector of sorts for the Smegol, both are currently living with Mr. Gamgees as proceedings have begun in a civil matter against the Sackville-Baggins' for the estate of the late Bilbo Baggins.

Delphino said...

Or today's game...

"Security forces today continued their hunt for the missing property of President Sauron, a ring of some personal, private value. Given a lead by a anonymous tip, they headed west to the Elven Grey Havens and captured the renegade port from the illegal aliens. As the result of these actions several illegal aliens were deported from the country.
Evidence was found there that the ring had been present there for some time, and had headed east, so the police forces proceeded east, questioning suspects and siezing illegal property all along the way. When they arrived in the alien haven of Lothloren, they took the opportunity to remove more illegal aliens, and to confirm that the ring had continued East. They also found more evidence of an underground railroad of illegal aliens to the city of Rivendell to the North.
Police also cleaned out that haven for illegals.
With an uprising occuring in Dale, police were sent in to resolve the riots.
Finally, with the lead indicating that previously peacefull Gondor had perhaps fenced the Ring, FBI agents were sent to confirm either the presence of lack of presence of the Ring in Minas Tirith. After eliminating token resistance from the city, the city has been placed under police control.
Peacefull negotiations have been opened with Rohan regarding fencing in stolen property, since no police have been sent there at all.
In the end, the ring is still missing, but the organization which has kept it away from its owner, and other property from other owners, has been dismantled.

Moral of the story: sieges should last longer than 2 rounds.